A year ago today, we went to our second ultra sound. There was no heart beat at our first ultrasound, so a second was scheduled to make sure it wasn't a "Blighted Ovum" - a pregnancy without a baby.
I was feeling really good, actually, and that was making me nervous that it was, in fact, a blighted ovum. Nervous as all heck, the ultrasound went forward and I was relieved to tears to see a little baby fetus-looking thing with the fastest strongest heart beat ever kicking around. My doctor asked me to relax so he could finish taking measurements to let us know how far along we were. As he concluded the ultrasound, his wand waved over something that looked...a lot like the last something we were just measuring. I looked at James, James pointed at the screen, and the doctor reacted and I said "Oh Shit."
Oh my God.
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| Two black splotches = two babies |
At that point I was such a mess that I excused myself to the bathroom to compose myself and came back so they could finish the ultrasound and measurements of this newly discovered second baby.
I felt like I was finding out I was pregnant all over again, but this time it wasn't planned. I felt the floor falling out from under me. Everyone in the doctor's office was so excited and smiling and congratulating us. Our doctor shook Jamey's hand with a "well done, sir!" I felt like I was going to barf on everyone as I nervously laughed and made our next appointment. I barely remember leaving and getting in my car. I laughed hysterically then burst into tears on my short drive in to the office. I downloaded the first twin pregnancy book I could find and read it all day at my desk. (btw, it didn't help, it mostly just highlighted all of the horrible things that could happen during a multiple pregnancy and birth.)
Later, at about 2 p.m. I got a text from Jamey that said "I'm excited" and that was it. And those two little words got me through that day and reminded me to be excited. Yes, I spent the next two or three weeks on an insane roller coaster of emotions. But knowing I had such a supportive partner, who was excited about this adventure, really helped me through.
A little part of me will always be sad that I couldn't enjoy my pregnancy more. I was worried through most of it that things would go horribly wrong, and of course totally physically debilitated by being pregnant with twins. Hind sight is 20/20 and if I had had a crystal ball and knew all would turn out ok, with delivery at 37 weeks of two super healthy little girls, I may have had some calmer nerves. But we didn't know, and so we took every precaution.
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| About a month later |
Some of my initial fears were realized, like not getting to really soak in 100% of my attention to each of my newborns. Yes, dividing my attention has been hard. And two little babies needing around the clock care was hard. But not all of my initial fears came true: both babies were born very healthy with no complications, we had a very successful delivery, I was able to breastfeed, and we are making it work. And a lot of wonderful has come of it. The girls have brought my family so much closer, brought Jamey and I so much joy and love, and so much more love for each other. I can't help but feel like they will be best friends forever, and it got to start at birth. Maybe even before birth! And of course, I can't even, not even a little tiny bit, imagine my life without these two little crazy ladies.
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| Birthday - 7 months later |
Like seriously, I can't, my heart breaks even thinking about life without them.
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| One year later |
