Weaning is no joke. No one prepared me for what that was going to be all about. Before I gave birth, I had decided to just 'see how it goes' with breast feeding the twins. I knew it was possible, and would help me lose weight and would save us money and was better for the babies than formula. I had read somewhere that if you could do 6 weeks, then the babies would get all of the benefits of breast feeding such as immunity transfer and probiotics.
Week one went well - the hospital had us give Josie a bit of formula but that was fine and all was good. We had some latching issues with Josie that broke my heart week 2 but we got over that. I finally was encouraging myself to just get through each week. So I stopped setting long term goals and set week by week goals, and that was perfect.
I was going to go all the way to my return to work date (April 14) when friends warned me that weaning would take weeks, and could not be done overnight. Holy shit! I had no idea! So I started weaning at 11 weeks with the goal to stop breast feeding by April 4. Wow. Just. Wow.
First off, there is the pain and physical discomfort that comes with weaning. But the real surprise is the extreme emotional roller coaster from hell that you board on day 2 or 3 and don't get off of until...oh, day 14. What. The. Fuck.
I spent my days sobbing into the eyes of my babies when no one else was home. I then sobbed on my husband's shoulder when he would get home from work. I called my mom and sobbed. I cried on a walk with a friend. I cried so much I felt sick when I woke up the next day. I cried about the girls getting older, or being small, or being overwhelmed to be their mother or because I loved them so much I couldn't believe it. I cried about how hard things were or how wonderfully easy I had it. I cried if Josie smiled, or if she didn't smile, or because she was enjoying her bath. I cried when Lexie would smile at me, or because I couldn't hold her all day because she has a twin who I have to hold, too. I cried because I wasn't sure I made the right decision or because I did, whether it was about breast feeding or what chairs I bought them to sit in all day, or because I left them in their chairs too long. Holy shit I cried a lot.
I seriously felt psychotic, and that would make me cry, too. Crying about crying is a vicious spin cycle vortex to find yourself sinking deeper into.
I luckily had a friend that had offered to be there for me if I found myself having the 'baby blues' and I am pretty sure this qualified times 1000000000+. So I texted her and told her about my sadness. She responded back about everything being ok, and that helped tremendously. Frankly she could have written back the word "hot dog" and I would have been uplifted - it was just knowing that someone else had gone through this and warned me and here I was having it happen and there is her text message and that was enough.
I didn't fight the sadness too much, just let myself be sad. Though I did say sorry to Jamey quite a few times because I knew I was crazy and it was hard enough to live with myself, I am sure he was even more confused.
I ran into a friend last night at a law school function and learned that she is 6 months pregnant. I gave her my number and told her to text or call no matter what if she ever finds herself feeling bummed out after the baby comes. No one can use words to explain this to anyone else, and I tried to tell her but I knew there was no way she would understand until she is there. But I am happy to pay it forward and will respond to the text message when that day comes.
