Motherhood: Extreme Guilt Edition

Yesterday I cut Alexandra's little thumb nail too low with some clippers and ohmygoodness she cried and was bleeding and I almost cried and then nearly threw up because ***I*** had done this to my beautiful, innocent, trusting, gorgeous daughter with the perfect fingers and toes.  I can't stop thinking about it and feeling sick to my stomach every time I do. James and I went on a date last night and the guilt and feeling waved over me a few times while we were out. I came home and checked on her and looked at her perfect little hands and felt sad again.

She was fine within a minute of the incident and was breaking my heart even more because she was smiling away and having the best time. But still!!! I seriously felt like I deserved the 'worst mom of the century' award. I didn't deserve her smiles and her looking at me like I'm the best. I'm not! I'm the worst. (And someday in 13 years she is going to agree with me on that one, ha ha, teenage daughters are the worst!).

She was laughing away 5 minutes later in her Jolly Jumper and my brain was spinning with guilt and remembering the time I closed a door on my little sister Stephanie's finger while playing chase? hide and go seek? and we had to rush to the hospital to stitch it back together and she almost didn't get a nail back on that finger (she did) but I still have waves of guilt about that every so often, too.

I wish I could say the clippers go back in the drawer and we stick to the Zo Li. But the Zo Li isn't cutting it lately (pun intended) and the girls are scratching up their faces with their nails and they are scratching up our faces now too, since they are so curious to touch us and in doing so they sink their little claws into our noses.

Their little nails grow too fast and they aren't patient enough to sit through filing. So I've been doing an initial clipper trim then filing. I WILL be bringing my glasses home from work though as I am extremely far sighted and need to admit that and wear my glasses way more often.

I know the clippers/baby finger nails incident has happened to every single mom I have ever met and I know I am being way over dramatic. I know there will be plenty of times my children are hurt because of me. Maybe it is acknowledging that reality that hurts so much, that gives me so much guilt. I've brought these little girls into this world and this world sucks sometimes and is sometimes painful. And sometimes its painful because of me!

On our date last night James and I were talking about how we have so many experiences we want to have with our kids (i.e. once they are walking and aware, so like, 2/3+) and we can't wait to do them and we will have to fit them into this small window of time before they are teenagers and everything is dumb and they want to go hang out with their friends. I hope they realize how loved they are and how excited we are to have them, and I hope that it all makes up for the finger nail clipper incident and all of the other times that shit happens by accident.